Sparkle & Shine

keeping up with me

2010-01-15T09:06:00.002-05:00

i've been a slack ass on this blog, i admit it.

i started a new one this year. so far i've managed to get there every day, but it's only been 15 days, so i'm not patting myself on the back just yet.

anyhow, it's: http://xxopm.blogspot.com.

come follow me there, if you like.

TAGGED!

2009-09-21T17:03:00.005-04:00

i never get tagged, because i don't think anyone really reads my blog. but today, i did. by girl, erin, from Trash You Up tagged me! wheee. so here goes:

1. Open your first photo folder.
2. Scroll to the 10th photo.
3. Post the photo on your blog and tell the story behind it.
4. Tag people to do the same.

(i'm in the middle of reorganizing my photos right now, so everything's sort of a mess. i picked the 10th folder that actually had stuff in it and was "done" being "organized".)

this is from a boys from county hell christmas show at the house of blues in december of 2006. there's not much of a story involved. i guess this was the night i a) found out that my sister was getting married, and b) found out that my lily white parents were celebrating kwanzaa. other than that... not to exciting. just another boys show. always fantastic. house of blues sucks. yadda yadda.

i'm not tagging anybody specific. if you actually read this, consider yourself tagged.

xxo.

STUFF!

2009-08-09T19:45:00.002-04:00

ryan and i are trying to move. and in doing so, we're getting rid of STUFF!

before we haul it all to goodwill, we're giving our friends the chance to take said stuff off our hands first.

i am posting the stuff on a new blog i created, twenty at a time. all you have to do if you want one of the things, is leave a comment and arrange to come get it. so far there are 100 things on there.

curious? go check it out!!

http://twentyatatime.blogspot.com

whoring for help

2009-07-16T20:40:00.000-04:00

my birthday is coming up. i'm almost always alone on my birthday, because ryan's always on tour in the summer.

this year, i'm trying to go to philly and nyc for the weekend to see him, catch up with some other tour widows, and just enjoy a road trip with my friend, lisa.

but because i do not want to ask ryan for financial help, and my job has cut my hours and my pay back quite a bit... well, it's gonna be tight!

so today, i decided to mark down EVERYTHING in my etsy shop. all of my necklaces. all of my collages. everything. it's all 20% to 75% off! the sale will go through the day before i leave (friday, july 24th at 11:59pm to be exact).

i'm so desperate, i'm basically posting an AD on my blogs. i feel kinda lame about that, but i need the help cause i need the trip! i'll even go so far as to say that if you see something you dig on there, and you still can't afford the sale price, send me a message. i'll drop the price for you more, if i can, and reserve the listing for you!

i just want to have a nice birthday. i want to get out of town. i want to do it on my own and this was the best way i could figure out to do it...

so, if you want to, if you can, if you see anything you like... i'll be oh so grateful!

http://phoebemarie.etsy.com

thanks and love love love to you,
phoebe marie

no sparkle today.

2009-06-24T11:17:00.003-04:00

i hate that it is just beautiful and sunny and glorious outside... and i feel like utter garbage. i've been sleeping like total crap lately. i think a lot of it has to do with ryan being gone, but i also think it has a lot to do with my feet!
last month, i dropped a bag of heavy garbage from cleaning out the basement on my right foot. it hurt HORRIBLY. i could not even handle touching it, it was so painful. like, if i wore pants that were long enough to brush up against the top of my foot, it hurt. so i took to wearing nothing but china girl flats that i've collected from the shops in chinatowns across the nation. i love the shoes (i have 13 different pairs) but moreso, they were the only shoes i could wear that did not touch my foot at all in the area where it hurt so badly.
so, my foot was really not getting any better. the bruise went away, the cut healed, but it still hurt. which is why, a month later, i was still wearing what are essentially slippers to work last friday. which is when i managed to smash the big toe on my OTHER foot under a piece of equipment at my job. it hurt so bad i wanted to pass out/throw up/cry my eyes out. i thought for certain i was going to lose the nail.
at the urging of my boss, i trooped home with my miserable foot, and kept it on ice and in the air for TWO DAYS! it was making me stir crazy, that's for sure. by sunday it seemed like it was a little better and i ran some errands and wasn't totally dying. so monday i went to work. and i stood on it. ALL DAY. and i wanted to die by the time i got home. so yesterday i went and got BOTH my gimpy feet x-rayed. and lo and behold - there is nothing broken in either one!!
now, this is good news. but it also sucks. i wanted to KNOW what was wrong, and since nothing obvious is wrong, now i'm stumped. the sore foot, the doc said, may have a tiny stress fracture, a sprain, or just some very deep bruising on it. and figured that it should be ok within another month or two.
the toe... based on the current symptoms (i am CONSTANTLY aware of it - it feels all "pins & needles" all the time) he thinks that i probably did some serious nerve damage to it. nothing that we can really do. told me to go to a podiatrist if it's still bothering me in another two weeks.
the thought of this makes me want to cry. the weird pins & needles feeling is so constant. i can sort of ignore it during the day while i'm keeping busy and such, but when i'm trying to sleep, which is already difficult for me, the feeling of just the blanket touching my toe makes it feel like it's absolutely BUZZING. and so i can't sleep.
and the more i don't sleep, the worse i feel. i got carsick this morning just trying to drive downtown. i was going to go to work, but had to turn around and come back home.
so now, i've missed most of friday, all of tuesday, and all of wednesday at work. even if i have to FORCE myself to go in tomorrow, i will have a paycheck with about 20 hours on it. i have a little bit of vacation time left that i could take, but even if i use it ALL, it wouldn't get me to 40 hours.
all of this combines to make me totally stressed out. which makes me feel sicker. and there are some other stupid things that are just completely beyond my control adding unnecessary stress to my life right now as well.
i don't know what to do. i need to learn to calm down. i'm going to start going to my friend's yoga class - i want to go tonight, but i feel too sick to do ANYTHING right now.
i just want ryan to be home. i'm just never quite right without him. it sounds ridiculous, but he makes this shit all ok. even when he's yelling at me about taking care of myself or whatever. things are just better when he's here.
he will be home for a week in 4 days, and i can't wait for that. but then there's another big long month - one without as many opportunities for visiting - without him. but then hopefully, that's it for a while. hopefully.
in the meantime, if i could just not hurt myself again for awhile. if i could stay healthy. if i could get some goddamned rest. if, if, if...

summertime swap

2009-06-18T18:13:00.004-04:00

so, several weeks back, i joined a group of people organized by the inspiring author of one of my favorite blogs to visit, nadia, to do a "summertime swap". it was to include a mix cd, postcards, and something else. naturally, i sent it a day late AND it was going overseas. so i paid a small fortune for international priority mail. hopefully my recipient will not be too disappointed by my tardiness. i sent out: a postcard of my hometown, cleveland (as well as a polaroid i took of old cleve-o), and a handmade postcard that i collaged myself, one of the necklaces i make, a tin of cupcake flavored candies (i have a thing for cupcakes), and a mix cd featuring songs that are all either by one of my friends, songs that remind me of my not-husband (who is almost always gone on tour every summer), or songs that are about hometowns. basically because that is what summer is always about to me... being with friends (and often traveling to other towns to see friends' bands), missing the man i love, and hanging out in my hometown...

i feel bad, though, since today i RECEIVED my swap package! it was loooovely! it came from miss hallie, whom, as this tiny world would have it, i share a wonderful friend with. strange strange strange and i love it!!

my package contained a postcard so glam, i am taking it to work with me tomorrow to frame, another awesome handmade postcard featuring a picture of my lovely swapee's great great grandmother... AND HER PET MONKEY!!!!! (awesome!), a beautiful pair of handmade earrings (which i put in immediately - just last week i took out the larger piercing jewelry i had in my first holes... it's as if i knew i'd have something new and pretty to stick there soon!), a nifty vintage flowery thingie, and the cd, which i am listening to right now. so far there is nothing on it that i dislike, so that is a plus! :) i even found a few musicians that i am going to have to go buy an entire record of, i liked them so much. so, yay! thank you hallie!!

still smiling

2009-06-16T09:03:00.002-04:00

i had an amazing last 5 days. my friends are the best friends anyone could ever ask for. and i just want to say, i love you all.

and hold on tight when you swing too high.

2009-06-07T00:40:00.002-04:00

my friend greg once ended a letter to me with those words. i love them. i love swinging. and i love love LOVE this photo that lacey sent me today. i could not even be annoyed because of my worry over my broken-charger phone dying before my new phone arrives via fed-ex on monday. it might me my favorite picture ever.

i am...

2009-06-04T19:24:00.002-04:00

...SO PROUD of ryan. he's so talented and amazing and it's awesome to see it all in print.
i'm pretty sure that i read more than 50 different reviews of "let the dominoes fall" today, and at least 3/4 of them cite "civilian ways" as one of the best if not THE best song on the record.
::grin::

sweet suggestion!

2009-05-31T15:44:00.003-04:00

a couple weeks ago, my friend and coworker, pam, came to me with a dilemma. her boyfriend's birthday was that weekend, and she wanted to do something really great for him. BUT, the economy being what it is, she had no money to do anything. literally NONE. gave her last two bucks to her kids for lunch at school. i was trying to think of something she could do, but at first every thought i had would require even a FEW dollars to pull off. but then, i remembered reading this post on the blog color me katie (one of my absolute favorites!). i showed it to pam and we tried to figure out how to modify the whole thing for her to use the idea to celebrate her man's birthday.
she told me that his favorite place was some town in minnesota where he loved to go camping. so we decided that, using things we garbage-picked at work, pam (with the help of her daughter, veronica) would turn her bedroom into this town. we found scraps of blue matboard in the trash for her to make little lakes out of. the sheets and sheets of brown craft-type paper that comes in between sheets of glass was taken to make trees and things. a hunk of old foamcore would be a "welcome to _____(i forget the name of the town)" sign.
well, last week she returned to work and her surprise mock-vacation went over BEAUTIFULLY! he loved it. was thrilled. no one had ever gone to such trouble to do something like that for him before. etc. etc. i was SO HAPPY! it was just the cutest thing ever.
i wish my not-husband would be into such an adorable thing. but unfortunately, home IS his favorite place to be. i guess for someone who has to tour and stuff... all you ever really want IS to be at home.
ah well. anyhow, i just wanted to share pam's story because i was so happy to have helped her make her fella's birthday a special one. and for free, too! :)

facebook.

2009-05-27T22:44:00.003-04:00

so, i broke down last week and joined facebook. i avoided it forever. i'm not even sure what made me join. and then BLAM! holy overwhelming, batman! there is so much going on and so many people on there, i can't even catch my breath.
it's been amazing, if for no other reason, than reconnecting with old friends. people i lost touch with over the years that i always wished i hadn't... people like soni and tasha and so on.
but today. today i decided to sit down and try to find the one guy i lost touch with over 15 years ago. my amazing friend, jeremiah jones. "J." we called him. god, i just thought J. was the coolest. he was a year ahead of me and we kept in touch after he went off to college - but the only address i had was his dorm address. then somehow, something happened - i don't even recall what - and J. ended up under the impression that i was irretrievably angry with him. he left a long letter at my house, asking me to forgive him, but i remember that in my head - there was nothing to forgive - i wasn't really mad at all. in the letter, he pleaded with me to not be mad at him, though he would understand if i never wanted to speak to him again. he begged me to please reply, but said that he did not expect that i would. he brought this letter to my house, left it with my mother, and i never saw him again. and i never did reply... BECAUSE HE DIDN'T LEAVE A RETURN ADDRESS ON THE FUCKING LETTER!!!!! for years, i actually actively searched for him, to no avail.
when the internet became my mistress, i started using THAT to try to find him, but YOU try searching the name "jeremiah jones" and tell me what you find! all i'm saying is, my beloved J. was a big, soft white boy into the dead milkmen and the art room, not a scary black football player from alabama or georgia or wherever. and that is pretty much all i would find.
i'd all but given up. but today, i was like, "fuck it - everyone else on the planet seems to be on facebook, i'll try." there were 323 results. not too bad. so i started wading through jeremiah jones after jeremiah jones. (man, there are a lot of total douche-sack-y looking asshats names jeremiah jones on facebook.) anyhow, something like 20 pages in... i swear to god... i think it's him. it's hard to tell. it's been 15 years. the glasses are more stylish. the hair looks shorter. but i think... i really think that it might be him!
and if not, well, i just totally creeped out some poor dude with friends in and around where we met with my goofy message.
i hope it's him, though. he's really like, the ONE guy i've been trying to find again for soooo long. my amazing friend. J. jones.
*crosses fingers*

love.

2009-05-14T08:03:00.003-04:00

ryan is not the most romantic guy there ever was. but every once in a while, he manages to bust out with a gem that just melts my little black heart.

case in point. last night. he'd just arrived in l.a. i was sitting here in cleveland at our favorite bar, where i'd been since i dropped him at the airport six hours earlier. (eek!) and i get a text that says:

"promise me you'll be a cute old lady and not a tore up old cougar."

now, i know that's not exactly knee-wobbling material to most people, but if you know my not-husband... it's pretty damn cute.

oh, and speaking of my not husband - there is ANOTHER blog. yes. i have a blogging problem.

http://tourwidows.blogspot.com

it's basically a place where i will be posting about what it's like to be at home when the man i love is on the road. but the catch is, it's not JUST me. i have invited various other women i know, fellow tour widows, if you will, to contribute, too.

if you're interested and have not been invited (or maybe did not get your invite because i might have effed up your email address [michelle??]) send me your email address and i will send you the invite to be a contributor to the tour widows blog.

hopefully it is something that will really take off. :)

anyhow, my loves. have a beautiful day. (even though it's pouring rain here in cleveland today - at least it's gloriously warm and springy.)

happy distractions.

2009-05-01T21:17:00.005-04:00

i'm going through a variety of fairly stressful and somewhat negative things right now. but that is not what i want to talk about. instead, over the last couple days, i decided to take notes on things that popped into my head, things i heard, or things that happened that made me feel especially happy. because this is my happy place blog. and i haven't put a whole lot of happiness out there recently.

so, on with that...

1. earlier in the week, i set my ipod on the full on shuffle-the-whole-damn-thing mode. i like doing this every once in a while, because it forces me to listen to stuff i don't necessarily listen to all the time anymore. anyhow, one of the songs that popped up was 'cigarettes & chocolate milk' by rufus wainwright. now, when i first split up with my second husband, i spent almost all my time alone in what had been our apartment. i pouted, i drank too much wine, i chain smoked, and i chatted online with various friends. including one johnny smiddy. with whom i shared more than a passing love of chocolate milk and oreos. whenever i talked to johnny, i always ended up needing a glass of chocolate milk. and i was usually already smoking. and i'd end up having to listen to this song. because i'm literal like that... i know it's sorta goofy, but i love it and listening to it totally makes me smile.

2. lots of people i know have recently gotten or are getting married sometime in the near future. i'm probably never getting married again. ryan and i are in it for the long haul, but are certainly not planning any sort of state-sponsored union anytime soon. that does not mean, however, that i don't get all giggly over people i love tying the knot. i am totally psyched with my MOH duties for lacey and todd's upcoming extravaganza. and then, earlier this weeek, i got another 'save the date' card in the mail. from my good friend, dan nativio. dan is one of the first people i met here in town and i just think he's tops. i wish we got to hang out more, but as ryan once said, "if he lived where he's supposed to and not in some crappy suburb..." we would. anyhow, dan and his fiancee, joanna, have been together for what seems like a hundred years. and i have never met her. this seems absurd to me in some ways, but then really - with people being as busy as we all are these days, maybe it shouldn't be a big surprise. anyhow... dan & joanna's save the date card may damn well be the cutest fucking thing i have ever seen. i promptly texted dan and told him i wasn't sure whether i should barf or giggle and grin when i saw it. it is one of those things that just makes you go, "yeah. these two belong together." i'm really happy for dan. i love him to pieces and i am looking forward to being at his wedding! (i'd post a picture of the card, but i don't raelly feel like that's my place to do. it's precious, though!)

3. our friend tim was in town a couple weekends ago. with our other friend tim. tim tour manages for tim. and when tim was coming to cleveland, we invited the tims and their crew to crash at foltz manor. and it was wonderful to see them. my friend, steve, knows tim, too. and he mentioned, during tim's show, that he'd take a bullet for the guy. and i believe him. he really is just one of those people who like... affects you. he's the kind of guy who is just good. i felt calm around him. i felt happy talking with him about dogs and friends and touring and his home and correspondence and art and whatever came up. and i still feel good, two weeks later, thinking about the time i spent talking with him. and i can't get one of his songs out of my head lately, either. it's sad and beautiful and i love it...

4. two weeks from tomorrow marks the five year anniversary of the death of one of my own good friends, marc moskowitz. weird that it's been that long. i miss marc and think of him regularly. i find i am often telling people stories about him. about crazy things he used to say or do. he was hilarious and beautiful.

5. one band that my ipod doesn't have to be on shuffle mode for me to hear at least a few times a week is harvey danger. i fucking love harvey danger. like, if ever there was a band who should NOT have been a little bit of a one-hit-wonder, it's harvey danger. truly, a goddamned remarkable pop band. one of the best ever. i wish i could say that i was related to sean nelson. he's that awesome. maybe i'll just pretend. start lying to people. about my long lost brother, sean. anyhow... seeing as how i seem to be adding in videos and stuff to this post - here's another one. this is a fucking GREAT video.

6. while i was feeling down last week, i made another "make me happy" purchase on etsy. have i mentioned how much i LOVE etsy? anyhow, i bought a lovely letterpress print from hijirik studio. and it arrived this morning. and it's lovely. i'm going to find it a suitable frame and add it to my huge collection of art that makes me smile.

i think that's enough for now. i had a couple other things on my list, but listing these few made me feel a bunch better for now.

i need to see these movies

2009-04-24T08:39:00.004-04:00

a reminder

2009-04-22T08:14:00.002-04:00

"the happiest people seem to be those who have no particular cause for being happy except that they are so."

-william ralph inge

i used to be that person. i need to find out how to be again.

days like this...

2009-04-21T07:08:00.003-04:00

last night, something happened. or didn't happen, maybe. i'm not sure how to word it because i don't really want to say what it was, exactly. but it was something that i hadn't realized how badly i wanted it - until i was shown a text message response during dinner that unceremoniously and totally squashed the dream. i made it through dinner, out to the car, and even partway home - before just completely breaking down. i'm not sure how long i cried, but it was something like hours. i finally fell asleep at some point and i woke up about an hour ago and i still feel like i'm seconds away from crying more. work will be interesting today. hopefully i can hold it together. nothing sucks worse than crying at work.
on a not completely unrelated note, i really am starting to think that i need to get out of here. on the one hand i worry about my father's suggestion, years ago, that i am searching for a "geographic cure" to my problems. but on the other hand - for once, i think that geography WOULD be a cure. things that i used to love about my cleveland have started to become things that make me want to leave. that can't be good...
i think i need to start making a pros/cons list. or really, a SERIES of lists. as there are so many factors.
days like this, i wish i could just quit my job, pack up my car, and disappear.

and just in time for easter...

2009-04-11T21:42:00.003-04:00

ryan and i went to dunkin donuts this morning for breakfast. he specifically sat toward one end of the restaurant because there were "crazy people" at the other end. unfortunately, said crazy people were in between us and the door when it came time to leave.

this is when a haggard, suburban nightmare in a teddy bear sweatshirt approached ryan and said, and i quote, "did you know that you look just like jesus christ?"

now, i'm not going to get into how exactly this hag knows exactly what jesus CHRIST looked like, but it was, even without that bit, a little goofy.

and then, just to make it all a little funnier, we went for vietnamese dinner at our favorite little place tonight, and ryan's fortune cookie read... "tomorrow will be a very important day for you." well, yeah. i mean.. it IS easter! ;)

hehehe. oh, jesus.

seriously, though. you be the judge:

tiny necklaces!

2009-04-11T21:35:00.003-04:00

so, i spent most of today making tiny cupcake necklaces and tiny polaroid necklaces and listing them in my etsy shop. there are definitely some adorable ones, if i DO say so myself.

AND, as if that wasn't cool enough, one of my favorite cupcake blogs already wrote them up!! check out the article on all things cupcake!!

CONGRATULATIONS, lady!!!

2009-04-10T18:10:00.003-04:00

sometimes something happens to someone you really love that is SO AWESOME you can't even be jealous. because it's perfect and exactly as it should be and you just couldn't be happier for them. that's how i feel right now.

my wonderful friend, mallorie mallorie, just got an absolute DREAM JOB! it's so perfect and so awesome and i am just so flippin' happy for her. and i'm bummed that i've been sick all week because all i want to do is take her out to celebrate!

because she totally deserves it.

yay, mallorie! i'm so happy for you. congratulations!!!

sick

2009-04-07T20:17:00.002-04:00

the stress of the past few weeks events has finally caught up with me. stress always makes me sick. art show, sick daddy, sad friends, runaway dogs, money troubles, and everything else... yeah. stress. and therefore - sick.

i should have stayed home from work today, but i ACTUALLY had stuff to do, so i had to go in. i am sort of thinking that tomorrow may have to be a recovery day, though. which sucks. cause i'm broke and i can't afford to keep missing my job - no matter how upsetting it is there lately.

on a positive note, though, CONGRATULATIONS MALLORIE MALLORIE!!!! i'm so happy for you, not that i'm surprised in the least.

ouch.

2009-04-04T22:50:00.004-04:00

[i just needed to preface this by saying that this is not some passive aggressive attack on any person or persons in particular. it's just what i'm feeling right now. please, my friends, do not take this personally. i'm doing my best not to take it personally, myself. it stings. i'm hurt. and i can't change that. but i'm not trying to motherfuck anyone. i'm just talking. because i need to. because i'm sad.]

being an artist is not like being in a band. having an art show is not like playing a gig at the local bar. if i were a band, i might be playing again next week. or even next month.

but i'm an artist. and i have no idea when i'll have another art show, let alone one where i have 30 two-part pieces on display, all together, all in one room, all at one time. honestly, i'll probably never have a show on this scale again. at least, not for another couple years. and the only other show i do have scheduled is in almost 6 months. and it's a group show. with more than 80 artists. oh. and it's in HOLLAND.

anyhow, i guess that today, i am simply feeling salty and hurt because really - almost no one came to my show. and the people who did? well, let's see...

-one was my 74 year old boss, who comes to all his employees shows
-two were some of my coworkers, who are genuinely good men, and i was surprised to see them
-one was playing a show on the other side of town the same night, but felt it necessary to come and support me
-one was obligated to BE at a show on the other side of town the same night AND was feeling sick as shit all day
-two drove up from over an hour away and had to be up at 7 the next morning
-one was broken up with, out of the blue and on the phone DIRECTLY BEFORE coming AND had other terrible news earlier in the week that broke MY very heart when she told me about it... at my show
-one knew that i am crazy angry with her but still came to congratulate me (i'm still not sure that this was appropriate, but it was strangely supportive in it's awkwardness)
-and there were less than 5 others who made it out to support me.

13 people.

it just hurt. i was so excited and so proud of my work. it was my beloved, dead grandfather's birthday. i wanted it to be a special day. and it WAS great and i really did have a wonderful time with the people who were there. but i was still so hung up, all night, on what was missing...

today has been sort of a collection of apologies. and i appreciate that - especially when they're from people i never even expected would come in the first place. like honestly, guys (erin... jim... etc.) - you don't need to apologize. i'm grateful and honored that you even considered attending.

and really - i understand that things happen and things come up and all that. i don't blame anyone for not being there. i just wish, i guess, that i could get back the time that i spent looking forward to sharing it all with everyone. i guess that's really all.

cause honestly, other than feeling that void most of the night - i still had a nice time. michelle is a really great woman, and i enjoyed talking to her so much! dave is awesome and i felt bad for him that i did not manage to have a better turn out... because he was almost more excited about the show than i was, i think! it was fabulous to see matt and josefine, whom we had not seen in WAAAAY too long! (and thanks, jo-jo, for buying one of my pieces! and thanks, matt, for sharing with me that you felt inspired again after seeing the show!) and thanks, jean, for believing in me! and thanks, of course, to ryan. for always being there. for always saying and doing the exact perfect thing.

i guess that's it. like i said, i don't want this to come off as a condemnation of the people who were not there. i 93% understand. and i'm about 82% ok with it.

the show was beautiful. i'm sorry that everyone missed it.

so much to say

2009-04-02T20:49:00.007-04:00

It's been kind of crazy lately. Getting ready for my art opening tomorrow has been taking up an incredible amount of my time. And somehow, still, so much other stuff has been touching my life.

I'm not really even sure how to address it all - so I'm making a list:

1. MY ART SHOW
Opening tomorrow, Friday, April 3rd, is "Aloha from the Underworld" - a joint show at Low Life Gallery (16001 Waterloo Rd. Cleveland, Ohio) featuring a series of postcard collages by me, and a series of assemblage boxes by Netherlands artist, Michelle Van Dijk.

The show was given big love by Angelo on my beloved ToyCyte. They even plugged the book I made of the pieces for the show, which is available on blurb.com. It was also listed as "HOT" on CoolCleveland.com. Wheee! It makes me feel so loved to have people saying nice things about my artwork. I really do enjoy making collages (and toys and photos and so on). AND... as if the whole show thing was not already wonderful enough for me, my mother emailed me today and said that she was sure my Grandpa Joe, who was himself a tremendous artist, would be looking down on me proudly at the opening tomorrow - on what would have been his 91st birthday!!! How remarkably special that makes it! I am so excited! I hope to see you all there. And if you can't make it - click here to buy the book or if you're cheap, click here to go view the pieces for free...
And now, a little pause for some Grandpa love:

2. FRIENDS
So, I know that the word "best" indicates the one that is above all others. But I don't care. Excluding my not-husband, I have five "best friends". And two of them, yesterday, came to the ends of certain eras in their respective lives. In both cases, all I can say is - it was ABSOLUTELY the best thing that could have happened. But it's still hard and it still hurts and I still worry about them both and love them both terribly. And, because bad things come in threes usually, I've been sort of worried about the other three in my top five. But I've convinced myself that if your name rhymes with "racy" - you're safe. Which is lucky for Traci. And Stacy. And Lacey.
And my heart goes out, as far as it can reach, to Steve. And to Daniela. I love you both and would do anything in the world for either of you. And as Steve learned today - Ryan would, too.

3. RYAN
That sort of brings me to my "not-husband". Ryan. I am constantly feeling like I want to write about how completely fucking bananas in love I am with Ryan. How just looking at him most days fills me with more happiness and love than I have ever felt. He is truly amazing and I am truly grateful for our incredible relationship. We are, as my parents would put it, "in communication" more so than I've been in any other relationship I've ever been in. And I think that that really has a lot to do with how well we do as a couple. We're by no means perfect (as I always feel I need to point out to Doug) but we're as close as we need to be and I honestly could not be happier to know that I am going to spend the rest of my life with a man who loves me so much that my family, my friends and my life have become his in a way that I am almost embarrassed to share.

4. WORK
Work has been kind of crap lately. It's slow, and I hate nothing more than not being busy. Well, I thought that's what I hated most about work. Until I got called a "sideshow" by my boss a couple weeks ago. The details of this situation are long and stupid and will piss me off to get into again. Suffice it to say that I have never been so offended in a work situation as I was two weeks ago. I think that even if she had actually SAID the words "You are a whore and you deserve to be raped," I'd have been less offended. But whatever. It's done.

5. DAD
My step-dad, Gary, whom I just flew to Colorado last month to surprise for his 65th birthday, survived a nasty little run-in with bladder cancer a couple years back. He kicked its ass, and has been cancer-free for two years. And then last week he emailed me that they've found a new growth in his bladder. What this means, thus far, is unknown. It's being removed on Monday, and the rest of the bladder will be biopsied. And we'll go from there. But it's upsetting, all the same, and I get sick and scared thinking about my old man out there in any sort of pain - physical or mental. Please cross your fingers for him - or say prayers - or do whatever. Thanks.

6. DOGS
Saturday night, my dogs escaped through a faulty door sometime after 1am. We did not know this until almost 9am, when a woman called Ryan's phone and said, "I think I have your dogs." Yes, dogs. Plural. This woman lived over a mile away, and the damn dogs were STILL TOGETHER. Like they went on an adventure together. Check it out... "A" is where we live and "B" is where she found them:

So, thanks to Sue, for finding Zeke and Sheena, and calling us. I think we're going to send her flowers. They were so tired and cold and scared when they got home, they seriously slept ALL DAY!

7. IT'S OKAY
The little piece of art that I posted about previously, after some postal debacles, finally arrived this week. I am so grateful to Becky at Sweetie Pie Press for sending out a new one after the first went missing in the mail somewhere between Canada and Cleveland. Because it is lovely. And I love it. And I am working on something to send back to her for her trouble. Something to help bring the same sort of smile to her face that she brought to mine. Thanks, Becky!!!

8. MONDAYS
Every Monday, Ryan and I go to our favorite local bar, the Happy Dog, and get dinner. I always get pierogies. Ryan is more adventuresome and often opts for whatever rad special they have that night. I usually end up drinking too much Maker's Mark because Natalie works on Mondays, and she's terrific. A couple Mondays ago, we were up there, and the term "shart" came up in conversation. And Natalie looks at us and says, "I prefer 'foop'. It sounds nicer." I'd never heard this word before, and it really does sound less gross. And now I have not been able to get it out of my head. Thanks, Natalie.

...

Anyhow, I know there are more things I wanted to blather about - but it's been like an hour or composing here, and I have a ton to do still tonight. Art show tomorrow, in case you forgot.

Much love to everyone. I know it's been a while. I'll try to get back in the habit.

spring isn't quite here...

2009-03-19T08:06:00.001-04:00

...but over the last few days, my personal fog has been lifting. there's lots to say, but little time to do so.

however, i just wanted to let anyone know who was watching or worried...

i'm okay.

because i hate you right now...

2009-03-13T08:31:00.002-04:00

...but i'll always love you. and this reminded me of that.

"love isn't an act, it's a whole life. it's staying with her now because she needs you; it's knowing you and she will still care about each other when sex and daydreams, fights and futures - when all that's on the shelf and done with. love - why, i'll tell you what love is: it's you at seventy-five and her at seventy-one, each of you listening for the other's step in the next room, each afraid that a sudden silence, a sudden cry, could mean a lifetime's talk is over." -brian moore

(via le love)

it's okay

2009-03-04T20:04:00.004-05:00

lately i have felt overwhelmingly... sad? i'm not even sure if that's the right word. most of the day, though, i just sort of feel like i am moments away from breaking down and crying. at times i feel so empty and awful - it's like my heart is just breaking. and i really do not know why.

yes, i am worried about my job. yes, i have been sick with some sort of incurable nightmare of sinus pain and ear pressure for going on two months. yes, i am too exhausted, overwhelmed, miserable and distraught to really manage to accomplish anything. and yes, i have entirely too much TO do. i have opportunities sitting on my doorstep that i not only want but NEED to take advantage of, and i cannot get there. i can barely get it together to get things done for my art show that is now less than a month away. i have no idea what is wrong.

i feel, a lot of the time, like all i want is for ryan to just hold me and tell me it's ok. but he's been working. or playing. or sleeping. or drunk. and honestly, this morning he DID try to hold me and tell me it was all ok. and i just cried and cried and tried to get away and it really didn't help. and as i sat there listening to him, i knew that he was right - that the things he was telling me were true. that things really are OK. that the stuff i'm fretting over doesn't matter. that i am not useless. that i should not be hopeless. that i AM actually doing some amazing things right now.

but i just could not feel better.

i think that part of the problem with being someone who consistently turns down or turns away from help, is that when you realize that you do, in fact, need something from someone - you feel foolish asking for it. especially when you don't really know, yourself, what kind of help you need. i mean, i feel like what i want is for ryan to have not been drunk and passed out when he got home at 5:30, for him to not have slept until having band practice right now, but for him to have somehow magically realized that i really needed him today. not exactly a reasonable request. so why am i still upset? why do i feel so lonely and unimportant?

i mean, for fuck's sake. here is a man who honestly is crazy about me. a man who BOUGHT ME A CAR last week - because he wanted me to be in something more reliable than the one i have (which isn't even that bad). and it's not like it's some mercedes or something - it's just another volvo. one that he has to do some body work on before i can drive it. but the point is - he did that because he loves me, because he worries about me, because he wants me to be safe. so, no. i'm not really feeling like he doesn't care about me or that i'm SO unhappy right now. i think he honestly doesn't know how to deal with it. i am the upbeat one in our relationship, usually. which is also, i think, part of why i don't know how to ask him for what i need. because i don't KNOW what i need. because i'm not USED TO needing. and really... if he was up here with me right now, because that's what i think i "need", instead of having band practice... would i feel any better? probably not.

so, fuck.

it's all just distressing. i mean, i half feel like i'm having some sort of emotional breakdown. what do i do with that? i don't really even BELIEVE in that kind of shit. and yet, here i am. totally falling apart and i don't even know why.

anyhow. this is a very downtrodden post for my so-called happy blog. but i AM getting to something good, here. i swear.

i few days ago, i read (in one of the hundreds of blogs i read) about a new art project a girl i follow online was doing. and i LOVED it. and suddenly, today - because of my unexplainable sadness - i felt like i needed to have it.

so i trucked on over to her etsy shop and i bought myself this:

to remind me. that it is.

something nice. something good.

2009-03-02T21:12:00.002-05:00

i was the featured artist for toycyte.com's custoMONDAY today! if you go there, you can enter the contest to win one of my st. patty's day of the dead dunnys!

even if you don't want to win, go check out the article! i love toycyte!

http://www.toycyte.com/customonday-win-a-st-patricks-dia-de-los-dunny-by-phoebe-marie

orrrrr... you could go and BUY one of the 5 special pieces for sale, exclusively thru toycyte:

http://toycyte.bigcartel.com/

gettin' my sparkle and my shine back.

2009-02-18T16:55:00.004-05:00

i've been having a big sucky old turd of a week. today i was feeling sort of like i was hitting the bottom. by the time i got home from work a little while ago, i was pretty much ready to just crawl into bed and stay there until i go back to colorado next month. cause everything here seems like crap these days. i came upstairs and was going to write about why i was feeling so very cruddy, and i got a myspace comment from lacey, who was also having a poo of a day, reminding me of a certain video that is just about the best thing ever for someone feeling a little down in the mouth. i watched it again, and i started to smile again. you should watch it too:

and now that you're smiling, too, i'm going to try to move on to important matters.

i'm not sure who all even reads this, but just in case - i am sending all my love to ashlee, lacey, daniela, mary beth, and everyone else i know having a bunk week for various and sundry reasons. and then i am stepping away for a moment to try to cope with my OWN crappy time.

sometimes, when you try to be there as much as possible for everyone you love, you forget to take care of you. i've hit that point this week. and while i'm still completely here for every one of you no matter what you need, i may need to delay my response time a little bit over the next day or two while i try to get my "me" back. cause i think i lost it somewhere...

i'm not feeling very good.

the crush. (or miro and moon...)

2009-02-10T16:09:00.006-05:00

if my relationship with ryan was not as strong, as stable, as perfect as it is - i might actually be concerned about the HUGE crush i have on another guy! have you ever felt this way?

i have known that ryan is damn near everything i have ever wanted in a lifelong partner since the moment i met him, over four years ago. i've also had a reeeeeeally big crush on julian since the moment i met HIM... almost fourTEEN years ago.

if the level of trust between ryan and i was not where it is (and where it should be), would he have been bothered by the fact that i was flying to colorado for the weekend, with a girlfriend he's never met, to get tattooed (on my chest, no less) by a man that i have openly admitted to thinking is about the most gorgeous guy i know (aside from ryan himself, of course)? i never kept any of the details from him as to what the plan was, and i don't think he even felt concerned for a moment. and i have to say, that feels pretty damn good!

unfortunately (or possibly fortunately, depending how you want to think about the whole thing), that's not the only part of the equation that ended up feeling pretty damn good.

spending the evening getting tattooed by my (very hot) dear old friend (and crush) julian for several hours, while joking and giggling and shooting the shit with him and traci would have been enough to make me smile for a week straight. but adding dinner and drinks with these two to the end of the evening was a perfect capper. it was the first time i'd been able to HANG OUT with julian in over a decade, really. it was definitely the first time i drank a big cup of bourbon with him. and it became, in the end, the first time i decided to sheepishly admit my 13 year crush on him... to him.

best response ever? an enormous hug, an admission of secretly harboring a reciprocal crush for the same amount of time, and a statement, something along the lines of, "that's the great thing about crushes. i can totally dig you and i don't have to put up with your shit." it was completely hilarious and made me laugh and grin and also helped me to not end up feeling all uncomfortable for the rest of the night.

in the end, it was a perfect evening all around. i fessed up to my biggest crush ever (and got fessed up back to, too!!), i learned that the beautiful mr. kates has the BEST middle name... EVER!, i discovered that my crush and i are both too good of people to take things somewhere they don't need to go, i found that my relationship really is strong and stable and perfect, and that my very beautiful, very dear, very funny friend is someone i can respect more than i had even realized.

am i still going to swoon when i see julian? fuck yeah, i am. (have you seen that guy?) am i still going to have my tattoo finished by him? wouldn't even consider letting another person touch it. do i think that he and ryan will be pals should this denver move happen? actually, yes. i totally do.

am i still going to have little fantasies about how hilarious it would be to have the name phoebe kates? OBVIOUSLY!!!

denver trip preview.

2009-02-08T23:17:00.003-05:00

it was fabulous: traci, sunshine, four-star hotel, dawn, free breakfast, parents, the art museum, fashion nation, tattoos, julian, steuben's...

i could have stayed for another day, week, month...

glad to be home, too, though. lots to do. lots to figure out. more on the beautiful trip when i'm less sleepy.

for now...

just can't get enough.

2009-02-04T22:47:00.003-05:00

ever since i found my old polaroid in the closet, i cannot get enough of it. i've already spent close to $100 (that i can't afford to be spending, mind you) on polaroid film at the few places i was able to track the stuff down. just so i HAVE some.

since i found three packs last night, i decided to finally take the last two pictures in what i feared was my last pack.

it's funny. i've been obsessing over polaroid (and also poladroid). and ever since i bought him the sousaphone...:

...ryan's been obsessing over marching brass. the other day, he bought a flugelhorn, too. and now he's got ads up on craigslist looking for various other horns. anyhow, i loved looking down today and seeing the new flugelhorn next to his tatty old chucks on the floor. kinda pretty, in a strange way:

10 random things on a saturday morning.

2009-01-31T11:51:00.004-05:00

1. my poladroid obsession continues. i created a set on flickr the other day while i was snowed in and then added to it the next day while i was home sick. i am SO in love with this little program. it is A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!

2. my actual real-life camera obsession continues as well. i am really enjoying my polaroid camera, which i found in a box in the closet while cleaning last week. i love the way polaroids look. the film is brutally expensive, but i will probably blow another 20 bucks on a pack for the denver trip. i've also been trying to take a few photos with the crappy plastic thing i got for free at the 2nd hand store last week. hopefully will get that film developed soon. in the meantime, here's my favorite of the polaroids i've taken:

3. i have SO MUCH art to do. it's ridiculous. i'm excited about stuff and feeling very inspired, but have had very little time where i could actually do any work.

4. in a few days, i am heading to denver, colorado. it's a short short vacation, but it'll be great. i have not seen traci in almost 5 years! she was all that kept me sane and functioning for a long long time. i cannot wait to see her! i also cannot wait to see julian and get my tattoo, which i still need to finish drawing. and also, seeing my parents, miss dawn, and various other pals too, will be sweet! i've never really been excited about going to denver before. strange how things work out.

5. my cousin, mariah, whom i love like she was my sister, had a baby thursday night. grey hudson secrest (which ryan says sounds like a car) is healthy and handsome (insofar as babies, whom i think all sort of look like aliens, can be handsome). hopefully i will get to meet this little sucker while in denver, too.

6. and speaking of grey, i am going on a mission to find a badass baby gift today. mallorie mallorie and i are doing a little shopping spree and i'm pretty excited about it. i really like spending time with mallorie and am glad she is not dating controlling, jealous, useless fat john anymore. (yes, that was a bit of negativity in my supposedly happy-shiny-positive blog. sorry. but fat john sucked.)

7. i have adopted nikki from the happy dog. she is now my little sister and i am totally down with it. she's awesome and adorable. mallorie snapped this pic the other night and i can totally see why her man thought we were related, actually.

8. i still feel like i'm dreaming a little bit when i watch the news and they say "president obama".

9. my dog, zeke, hates it when ryan plays the trumpet.

10. i'm in a really good mood today. my ear hurts and is still full of juice and i didn't get down to lakewood to get the haircut i wanted and our trip to dunkin donuts this morning was sort of a complete disaster. but i am happy and feeling good and positive and am looking forward to the day entirely. :)

cheers and happy weekend!!

poladroid obsession.

2009-01-28T01:18:00.003-05:00

have i mentioned my obsession with poladroid yet? i am SO in love...

cleaning makes you find stuff.

2009-01-26T22:51:00.003-05:00

like polaroid cameras. and also, old negatives...

i miss priscilla. it's been over a decade since we even spoke.

she was beautiful.

impromptu date night.

2009-01-24T20:55:00.007-05:00

dominic's was the pizza place i grew up going to here in ohio. it was delicious. still, to this day, my favorite pizza in the world. (mystic pizza was a close second, but even a young lili taylor does not beat out my beloved dominic's.)

anyhow, i was devastated to find that dominic's had become a sports bar when i returned to cleveland. here i was, back in the city of my childhood, and the best pizza that ever was was GONE!

well, we stumbled into a place called 'the woods' last week, and low and behold:

dominic's may be gone, but the woods got their pizza! ryan was as impressed with it as i had been 25+ years ago, so we went back tonight for some delicious dinner:

on our way there, he mentioned that it had been a long time since we'd been to malley's for ice cream, and since he'd never been to the totally kooky north olmsted location (where you sit on this actual carousel that spins at about 1.5 revolutions per hour!) not only is this malley's the nauseating pink and green that the lakewood one is, but it also has creeeeepy painted animal heads all over the walls:

it was a super amazing evening. and it is about to come to an end, because now he wants me to watch some fucking western.

can't take the negativity.

2009-01-22T17:12:00.004-05:00

i am unhealthily obsessed with my google reader. i subscribe to [counting...] 158 blogs.

but about five minutes ago, it was 159.

today i decided that i simply had to stop reading one of them. because it is always SO negative, so depressing, so miserable... and i just don't want to be forced to feel that way. even by one of my friends. even though this person has in themselves the capacity for more positivity and joy and beauty than half the people i know. it's just not what they choose to express anymore and reading their blog completely bums me out.

every. single. time.

it goes against the entire reasoning behind why i, myself an often negative nelly of sorts, started this very blog. i wanted a place to record things that were positive, beautiful, inspiring. things that made me happy. things that i love.

i don't love being forced to feel negative feelings. so i quit. i unsubscribed. i still love you. i love you more, i think, than most people will ever realize. but i just... need positivity.

not just filler flowers.

2009-01-21T23:05:00.002-05:00

my manager, olga, gave me a carnation today. for "going above and beyond". it was really sweet. i realized that i really do like carnations. not that i thought i DIDN'T or anything, it's just that they do get sort of a bum rap. but i don't care. i like them. i like my single white carnation. and it looks stellar in my tall, green mercury glass vase. i love it.

can i get a little "hey now"?

2009-01-20T22:32:00.004-05:00

my friend justin uses the phrase "hey now" the way some people use the words "hello", "how are you?", "i love you", and more...

"hey now" is justin's every-word.

he called me the other night from tour. his band, the magpies, were in my old hometown of denver, colorado, and justin was calling to give me "a little hey now" for telling him a few places to go while in the mile high city.

i just love it. i love justin. he's a total sap who gives me shit for being a total sap. and i only let him get away with it because i know he's one, too.

anyhow, i was just thinking about how awesome it is when someone you're friends with really does go out of their way to call you up from two time zones away to give you a little hey now.

and i just wanted to stop for a second and give a little of my own hey now to my (very few) friends who stop by here and check out this blog.

so thanks, my loves. hey now.

this may be the prettiest thing i've seen in weeks.

2009-01-16T08:32:00.000-05:00

they're not resolutions. (part one)

2009-01-14T23:14:00.010-05:00

steve posted some resolutions today. made me think about doing the same. though, i'm not really much for resolution-making, either.
but these are some things. things that maybe i don't "resolve" to do this year... but things that i want. to see, to do, to be, to learn, etc - part one (cause it's gonna take me a while to get it all sorted out). in no particular order.

1. one of my favorite bloggers posted about wanting to "dress like a french woman". i'm totally in! i've longed, for years, to dress more.. more like i WANT to dress, more like i WISH i dressed but never do because i'm too tired, too lazy or too cold to bother. but, damn it, i want to be snazzier. a little bit sophisticated, a little bit sweet, a little bit messy/casual, a little bit badass... not sure how that will work, exactly, but my first purchase in trying to do it up right was this top from target:

2. i fell in love, last year, with a girl from gothenborg, sweden. (it's where my orphan grandfather came from.) ok, maybe it was more this girl's blog that i fell in love with, although she seems a most lovely person. but anyhow - aside from her addictive-ly beautiful blog, she also makes nifty things. one of those things is "wrist worms". this year, i will buy a pair of wrist worms.

3. my grandmother was obsessed with cuticura ointment. she always smelled like the stuff. she died nearly a decade ago, and i still cart around a tin of the stuff in my purse that expired in 1989. it still works wonders on chapped lips and it still smells like grandma mary. but my aunt barb, who is a genius, discovered that you can get the stuff again. so this year i will replace this old thing with the new stuff:

4. i am MADLY in love with ryan's friend rusty pistachio's jewelry line. ryan got me a not-an-engagement ring from there that i will most likely never take off. i bought gifts for a few special friends there. and this year, i will buy myself this (because who says that ISN'T a can of spray GLUE, and not spray paint... it'll look kick ass with my tiny scissors charm.):

5. i will use poladroid. a lot. because it's awesome.

6. i will create at LEAST one more book on blurb this year, and i will sell more copies of the old one, too!

7. i will buy and learn how to use this camera (as well as my grandfather's old leica, which i just bought from my wacky uncle):

8. i will send a resume here and will seriously start thinking about the possibility of moving back to denver with ryan.

9. i will see traci (already planned - 3 MORE WEEKS!!!), and daniela, and stacy - even if it means lots of travelling. i will visit my aunt in new york and i will go to l.a. to see tim with ryan. i will do all of these things, despite be increasingly afraid to fly.

10. i will have my as yet unnamed "scissors show". at brandt gallery. hopefully in the summer or fall.

...to be continued

this maid of honor is made of AWESOME!

2009-01-14T22:35:00.006-05:00

lacey is getting married on 09-19-09. and i am M-O-H. that's maid of honor, y'all. wanna know one of the many reasons lacey kicks major butt? i do not have to wear some tacky, bunk-ass dress. i get to pick my own. it just has to be black. and because i'm the leading supporting lady, i can forgo the oh-so-blase black kicks in favor of... HOT PINK ONES! yeah, their colors are black and hot pink. and being M-O-H comes with perks. that is, if your idea of a perk is being told you're allowed to wear hot pink shoes. which mine SO is.

so, i know i have a lot of time and so i've been casually looking, but i gotta admit - i found THE shoes over a month ago. (i've just sort of been hoping they'd go on sale, as they are almost two hundred bucks [though i WILL spend that if i have to, because the shoes are fuckin AWESOME!])

and today, while perusing various sassy dress websites, i came across what i am pretty sure will be THE DRESS, too.

tell me, my loves, what do you think?:

i need feedback. this pairing is gonna cost me a few hundy, so i gotta be sure!

snow makes me want to stay home.

2009-01-14T22:16:00.005-05:00

i hate the winter. not very swedish of me, is it? not very CLEVELAND of me, really. but it's true. i loathe being cold. driving in the snow, despite knowing full well how to handle my winter-ready swedish-made tank of a volvo in snow/ice/etc., fills me with such anxiety i am never quite sure whether i will vomit or poop my pants just going the mile and a half from home to the target. so basically, if it's between the months of november and april and any sort of "weather" is happening... i am at home whenever possible.

but this is not a bad thing. i have a lot to do at home. aside from just keeping up my umpteen blogs (and reading the umpteen thousand i subscribe to), i make collages, i paint vinyl toys, i cut stencils, i read art magazines and music biographies and comedic memoirs, i bake fatty-fat-snacks for fatty and me, i take pictures, i drink coffee and cocoa, i buy things on ebay, and watch the fish swim and the dogs sleep, i listen to my roommate sing and play piano and guitar and to my boyfriend play drums and guitar and whatever other instrument he happens to pick up. and i also just look at the house. it is really a beautiful house. it could be more tidy, but it is, all the same, a lovely home. i need to start taking more pictures inside the house. i'm starting in the dining room:

i love the reflection of the chandelier in the window and the collection of little tin stars. they are officially christmas decorations, but i think i may leave them out. because they are lovely and they make me smile with their sweet cuteness.

hopefully i will post more house photos here over the coming wintery weeks. stay tuned.

when is my anniversary, anyhow?

2009-01-13T17:07:00.004-05:00

i don't really know when my anniversary is.

people constantly ask ryan and i how long we've been together, and we really never can figure out the correct answer. i don't suppose it matters. we're not exactly the sort who would celebrate it if we did know. and when it comes down to it, it's more about the fact that this relationship will go on into the future indefinitely rather than being about when it began.

that being said... several months ago i got curious and tried to figure it out. and here is what i know:

tomorrow marks the 4 year anniversary of the day we first met. i know this because of a myspace comment that alica "matchmaker baker" left me four years ago today (that i received four years ago tomorrow) suggesting i come meet her friend ryan if i was still looking for a place to live. and i was. and i did.

i didn't move into the room he had for rent though. the minute he opened the door, i knew i couldn't. falling in love with your landlord is never a good idea, and seriously - from the moment i saw him, i knew that's where it would go. we spent an awesome evening hanging out, anyhow. drove around in his '56 buick. went to the garage before it started to suck. closed the blarney stone. here's a picture of that very night. as i took it i was thinking, "i need to get a picture of this guy to show daniela and lacey. he is SO my dream guy." it was just an added bonus that he raised his cast-covered broken hand and flipped me off. the jerk.

anyhow, i can't really call january 14th our anniversary, though. it's not as if we started dating that very night. it's just when we met. i did not see him again until february 18 - the night of my housewarming party at the place i moved INSTEAD of his place. he had been out of the country on tour for a month and i was ecstatic when alicia told me she was bringing him. i look at this photo now, and i wonder why it took so long AFTER this night. you can see it in his eyes... or, i dunno. maybe that's just drunkenness or jetlag or something and not the adoration that it is in my head:

anyhow, after this night, i lose complete track of what happened with our progression. we spent a lot of time together. and then we didn't. and then we did. and then we didn't. and then we did. and then he came to work for me at the warehouse on february 13th of 2006. it lasted one day, because on the morning of february 14th (yes, valentine's day) his van ran out of gas on his way in, and he called me to come help him out, decided that it was fate that he not work there, bought me mcdonald's breakfast, and left. on the 20th (which i remember cause it was steve's birthday), i took him to lunch at taydo. and when i dropped him off, i kissed him. i can't really remember (again) how things progressed from there, but it was within a week or two of that kiss that we were pretty much together every day. we were definitely "together" by st. patrick's day, though it wasn't until may 17th that we finally ADMITTED to it. i moved into the house that i had refused to move into a year and a half earlier that june.

and i'm never leaving. (unless, you know, he sells it and we move somewhere else... but you know what i mean.)

anyhow... point was, i have no idea which of the few dates i can remember should officially be considered my anniversary. and i still don't really think i care.

all i care about - is him.

mod jesus and the indie rockers.

2009-01-11T22:47:00.003-05:00

that's what my boyfriend's band should be called. i have always been of the opinion that elephant bones is a crap name. ryan and antione joke that they want to change the name to the shaken babies, and i personally LOVE that. but eric will have none of it because eric hates fun.
anyhow, last night they played at the happy dog. it was their first show with the new guitar player, chris rager. and it was really very good. he adds a lot and i hope he stays with them. anyhow, i got this picture of chris and i really love it:

and then there was ryan - who looked like what daniela called "mod jesus". i liked it. but then i bought most of his outfit, so that makes sense. it's kind of awesome to be with someone whom i am not just completely batshit crazy in love with, but whom i think is so flipping beautiful, too. yay for me!

snowday

2009-01-10T16:27:00.000-05:00

we got a far amount of snow last night. if ryan hadn't wanted to go get some sandwiches, i'd probably have stayed in my pajamas all day. i love snow days. even if it's saturday and i didn't have to go anywhere anyhow, it still feels sort of special. it's so quiet and so pretty out.
other good things about snow:
1. our neighbor, eric, from down the block has been coming by and plowing our driveway at regular intervals. eric is pretty awesome.
2. ryan is like a hilarious little kid driving in it, making all sorts of "wheee!" and "bwahhhhh" noises as our little swedish snow machine glides around on the slippery streets.
3. coffee seems even more amazing than usual when it's all freezy outside.
4. zeke. my dog, zeke, is ALL ABOUT jumping around and playing in the snow. he is just adorable.

how did i survive this long without really having dogs? they are so good for smiles.

i love love

2009-01-09T19:49:00.000-05:00

i thought so long and suddenly i realized - i love love
i thought so long and suddenly i realized - i love love
am i loving the girl - or the feeling i feel?
is it just the idea that i like - or is it for real?

well, unlike old jarvis cocker from pulp, i know that i love the boy that i love. but lacey has said it before and i think she's right - i DO love love. and justin - he says i'm a cornball and a sap. and daniela - she knows i'm NOT that romantic, and yet i still am... and i have no idea what that means, but she does and in some odd way, i do, too. (yes, i know that made no sense.)

but i do. i love love. hell, i HAVE "love love" tattooed on my hands, for fuckssakes!

anyhow. point was, i went to target today and it is already valentine's day madness. which is both nauseating and awesome. nauseating for the obvious reasons of course, but also awesome because:

1. red and pink are basically my favorite colors!
2. i am all about stuff with little hearts on it!
3. as mentioned above, i love love!

and here's what else i love... little tiny pink and silver tea-light holders with heart-shaped cutouts in the $2.50 bins up front! yay! pretty pretty!

slightly less romantic looking in front of jeff lamm's awesome kaiju print i bought at the low life gallery, but still... sweet nonetheless.

also, i love the word "nonetheless". that is all.

here's what i hate:

2009-01-07T07:52:00.000-05:00

the snuggie.

here's what i LOVE:

the penguin overalls. oh, if only i had 650 euros.

my pitbull is a lover, not a fighter.

2009-01-04T19:39:00.001-05:00

my friend little jen had a t-shirt made for herself that says that. i want one. i think that there are probably a lot of people who own pits or pit-mixes who would want one. they are amazing, beautiful, loving dogs and the bad press they've received over the years sucks. it always makes me angry. BUT, because of a link on my favorite vinyl toy blog, toycyte.com, i fumbled my way over to a BEAUTIFUL article in last week's issue of sports illustrated about michael vick's pitbulls and what became of them. by the end of the article, i will admit i was in tears. but read on, if you care:

December 29, 2008

Happy New Year by Jim Gorant

THE DOG approaches the outstretched hand. Her name is Sweet Jasmine, and she is 35 pounds of twitchy curiosity with a coat the color of fried chicken, a pink nose and brown eyes. She had spent a full 20 seconds studying this five-fingered offering before advancing. Now, as she moves forward, her tail points straight down, her butt is hunched toward the ground, her head is bowed, her ears pinned back. She stands at maybe three quarters of her height.
She gets within a foot of the hand and stops. She licks her snout, a sign of nervousness, and looks up at the stranger, seeking assurance. She looks back to the hand, licks her snout again and begins to extend her neck. Her nose is six inches away from the hand, one inch, half an inch. She sniffs once. She sniffs again. At this point almost any other dog in the world would offer up a gentle lick, a sweet hello, an invitation to be scratched or petted. She's come so far. She's so close.
But Jasmine pulls away.
PETA WANTED Jasmine dead. Not just Jasmine, and not just PETA. The Humane Society of the U.S., agreeing with PETA, took the position that Michael Vick's pit bulls, like all dogs saved from fight rings, were beyond rehabilitation and that trying to save them was a misappropriation of time and money. "The cruelty they've suffered is such that they can't lead what anyone who loves dogs would consider a normal life," says PETA spokesman Dan Shannon. "We feel it's better that they have their suffering ended once and for all." If you're a dog and People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals suggests you be put down, you've got problems. Jasmine has problems.
They began in 2001, about the same time Vick started cashing NFL paychecks and bought a 15-acre plot of land at 1915 Moonlight Road in Smithville, Va. The property sits across from a Baptist church. A bright green lawn surrounds a white brick house that has a pool and a basketball court in the backyard and is bordered by a white picket fence. When Vick bought the land, the house didn't exist and wouldn't be built for a few years. It wasn't a priority. The Atlanta Falcons' new quarterback never intended to live there.
Beyond the house, shrouded by trees, were five sheds painted black from top to bottom, including the windows and doors. Past them were scattered wire cages and wood doghouses. Farther still, where the trees got thicker, two partly buried car axles protruded from the ground. This was the home of Bad Newz Kennels, the dogfighting operation that Vick and three of his buddies started a year after Vick became the first pick of the 2001 NFL draft. When local and state authorities busted the operation in April 2007, 51 pit bulls were seized, Jasmine among them.
By most estimates Jasmine is around four years old, which means she was most likely born into Bad Newz, and her life there fit the kennel's name. A few of the dogs, probably pets, were kept in one of the sheds. The fighters and a handful of dogs that Bad Newz housed for other people lived in the outdoor kennels. The rest—dogs that were too young to fight, were used for breeding or were kept as bait dogs for the fighters to practice on—were chained to the car axles in the woods.
The water in the bowls was speckled with algae. Females were strapped into a "rape stand" so the dogs could breed without injuring each other. Some of the sheds held syringes and other medical supplies, and training equipment such as treadmills and spring bars (from which dogs hung, teeth clamped on rubber rings, to strengthen their jaws). The biggest shed had a fighting pit, once covered by a bloodstained carpet that was found in the woods.
According to court documents, from time to time Vick and his cohorts "rolled" the dogs: put them in the pit for short battles to see which ones had the right stuff. Those that fought got affection, food, vitamins and training sessions. The ones that showed no taste for blood were killed—by gunshot, electrocution, drowning, hanging or, in at least one case, being repeatedly slammed against the ground.
It's impossible to say what Jasmine saw while circling the axles deep in the woods, but dogs can hear a tick yawn at 50 yards. The sounds of the fights and the executions undoubtedly filtered through the trees.
"Multiple studies have shown that if you take two mammals, say rats, and put them in boxes side by side, then give the first one electric shocks, the reaction of the second one—in terms of brain-wave and nervous-system activity—will be identical," says Stephen Zawistowski, a certified applied animal behaviorist and an executive vice president of the ASPCA. "The trauma isn't limited to the animal that's experiencing the pain."
In a sense, then, whatever atrocities any of the dogs suffered at 1915 Moonlight Road, all of them suffered. So one would think that April 25, 2007, the day law-enforcement officials took the dogs from the Vick compound, would have been a good one for Jasmine.
ZIPPY IS NOT a big dog, but she's a pit bull, one of the Vick pit bulls, and she's up on her hind legs straining against the collar, her front paws paddling the air like a child's arms in a swimming pool. The woman holding her back, Berenice Mora-Hernandez, is not big either, and as she digs in her heels, it's not clear who will win the tug-of-war. "Watch it!" she says to the visitors who stand frozen in her doorway. "Be careful. Sometimes she pees when she gets excited, and I don't want her to get you." And just like that Zippy whizzes on the floor. Twice.
Berenice's six-year-old daughter, Vanessa, disappears and returns with a few paper towels. The spill absorbed, Zippy is set free to jump up and lick and wag her hellos before she leads everyone into the family room, where Berenice's husband, Jesse, sits with the couple's five-week-old son, Francisco, and two other dogs, who rise in their pens and start barking. But Zippy has no interest in them. Instead she leaps onto the couch where Vanessa's nine-year-old sister, Eliana, is waiting. Vanessa joins them, and over the next 15 minutes the two girls do everything possible to provoke an abused and neglected pit bull who's been rescued from a dogfighting ring. They grab Zippy's face, yank her tail, roll on top of her, roll under her, pick her up, swing her around, stick their hands in her mouth. Eliana and Zippy end up nose to nose. The girl kisses the dog. The dog licks the girl's entire face.
Zippy is proof that pit bulls have an image problem. In truth these dogs are among the most people-friendly on the planet. It has to be. In an organized dogfight three or four people are in the ring, and the dogs are often pulled apart to rest before resuming combat. (The fight usually ends when one of the dogs refuses to reengage.) When separating two angry, adrenaline-filled animals, the handlers have to be sure the dogs won't turn on them, so over the years dogfighters have either killed or not bred dogs that showed signs of aggression toward humans. "Of all dogs," says Dr. Frank McMillan, the director of well-being studies at Best Friends Animal Society, a 33,000-acre sanctuary in southern Utah, "pit bulls possess the single greatest ability to bond with people."
Perhaps that's why for decades pit bulls were considered great family dogs and in England were known as "nanny dogs" for their care of children. Petey in The Little Rascals was a pit bull, as was Stubby, a World War I hero for his actions with the 102nd Infantry in Europe, such as locating wounded U.S. soldiers and a German spy. Most dog experts will attest that a pit bull properly trained and socialized from a young age is a great pet.
Still, pit bulls historically have been bred for aggression against other dogs, and if they're put in uncontrolled situations, some of them will fight, and if they're not properly socialized or have been abused, they can become aggressive toward people. It doesn't mean that all pit bulls are instinctively inclined to fight, but there is that potential. Bad Newz killed dogs because it couldn't get them to be aggressive enough. The kennel also raised at least two grand champions, dogs with a minimum of five wins apiece.
"A pit bull is like a Porsche. It's a finely tuned, highly muscled athlete," says Zawistowski. "And just like you wouldn't give a Porsche to a 16-year-old, you don't want just anyone to own a pit bull. It should be someone who has experience with dogs and is willing to spend the time, because with training and proper socialization you will get the most out of them as pets."
The pit bull's p.r. mess can be likened to a lot of teens driving Porsches—accidents waiting to happen. Too many dogs were irresponsibly bred, encouraged to be aggressive or put in situations in which they could not restrain themselves, and pit-bull maulings became the equivalent of land-based shark attacks, guaranteeing a flush of screaming headlines and urban mythology. Some contend that this hysteria reached its apex with a 1987 SPORTS ILLUSTRATED cover that featured a snarling pit bull below the headline BEWARE OF THIS DOG. Despite the more balanced article inside, which was occasioned by a series of attacks by pit bulls, the cover cemented the dogs' badass cred, and as rappers affected the gangster ethos, pit bulls became cool. Suddenly, any thug or wannabe thug knew what kind of dog to own. Many of these people didn't know how to train or socialize or control the dogs, and the cycle fed itself.
Three pit bulls attacked 10-year-old Shawn Jones near the Hernandezes' town in Northern California 7 1/2 years ago, tearing off the boy's ears and causing other injuries, but Berenice stood up for the breed then and still does. "It's almost always the owner, not the dog," she says, who's responsible for aggressive behavior. Her family has been "fostering" pit bulls—minding them in their house in Concord until they can be adopted—for nine years and has never had a problem with one. "These girls have grown up with pit bulls their whole lives, and they've loved every one of them."
That wasn't hard to do with Zippy. When she arrived from the rescue group BAD RAP (Bay Area Doglovers Responsible About Pitbulls) in October 2007, "she was afraid of her own shadow," says Berenice. Loud noises made her jump, and when she entered another room she'd crawl through the doorway on her belly. That lasted about six weeks, but once Zippy got comfortable she took over the house. She races from room to room, goes for runs with Berenice and plays in the yard with the other two dogs: the family's big blue pit bull, Crash, and another foster dog, Roller, a bulldog-pit mix.
As the girls run out of energy, Zippy moves on. She pops up from below the tangle of limbs and black hair that are Eliana and Vanessa and prances over to Jesse, who's still holding his infant son. Zippy noses up to the baby, takes a few sniffs and then licks his foot. Taste test concluded, she shoots over to the side door, pushes down the handle with her snout and disappears into the side yard. "You see that?" Berenice says. "This one's so smart. I never had another dog here who figured out how to do that." Moments later there's a little rap at the door. Berenice pulls it open and in comes Zippy, ears up, tail wagging.
Eliana, meanwhile, has pulled a spiral-bound notebook from her book bag. It's late November, and she wants to read a Thanksgiving essay she wrote at school. As her little voice takes hold of the room, Zippy curls into a circle beside her. The last lines of the story go like this: "Zippy is one of a kind. I named her Zippy because she is really fast. I don't want any of my dogs to be adopted."
AFTER BEING taken from the Moonlight Road property, Vick's dogs were dispersed to six animal-control facilities in Virginia. Conditions differed slightly from place to place, but for the most part each dog was kept alone in a cage for months at a time. They were often forced to relieve themselves where they stood, and they weren't let out even while their cages were being cleaned; attendants simply hosed down the floors with the dogs inside. They were given so little attention because workers assumed they were dangerous and would be put down after Vick's trial. The common belief is that any money and time spent caring for dogs saved from fight rings would be better devoted to the millions of dogs already sitting in shelters, about half of which are destroyed each year.
What the pit bulls had going for them was the same thing that had once seemed to doom them: Michael Vick. They were, in a sense, celebrities, and there was a massive public outcry to help them. Letters and e-mails poured in to the offices of Judge Henry E. Hudson and of Mike Gill, assistant U.S. attorney for the Eastern District of Virginia. In the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, Gill had worked on several animal-related cases and still had ties to the rescue community. He reached out to, among others, Zawistowski. Could the ASPCA put together a team to evaluate the animals and determine if any of them could be saved?
Around the same time Donna Reynolds, the executive director and cofounder, along with her husband, Tim Racer, of BAD RAP, sent Gill a seven-page proposal suggesting a dog-by-dog evaluation to see if any could be spared. The couple, who have placed more than 400 pit bulls in new homes during the last 10 years, knew it was a long shot. It's faster and easier to judge the entire barrel as rotten. Zawistowski put together a team composed of himself, two other ASPCA staffers, three outside certified animal behaviorists and three members of BAD RAP, including Reynolds and Racer.
On Aug. 23, 2007, Vick appeared in U.S. District Court in Richmond, and Judge Hudson accepted a plea agreement in which the former quarterback admitted that he had been involved in dogfighting and had personally participated in killing animals. The agreement required him to pay $928,000 for the care and treatment of the dogs, including any humane destruction deemed necessary. "That was the landmark moment—when he not only gave the dogs the money but referred to it as restitution," says Zawistowski. "That's when these dogs went from weapons to victims."
On Sept. 4, 5 and 6, under tight security and a court-imposed gag order, Zawistowski's team assembled in Virginia. It quickly agreed on a protocol for testing the dogs that would show their level of socialization and aggressiveness. Among other things, the dogs were presented with people, toys, food and other dogs. Their reactions and their overall demeanor were evaluated. In those three days the team assessed 49 dogs at six sites.
It didn't help that the assessors had no idea what to expect. Besides their time at Bad Newz, the dogs had spent four months locked up in shelters with minimal attention. That alone could push many dogs over the brink. "I thought, If we can save three or four, it will be fantastic," Reynolds says.
Adds Racer, "We had been told these were the most vicious dogs in America."
So what they found in the pens caught them off guard. "Some of them were just big goofy dogs you'd find in any shelter," says Zawistowski. No more than a dozen were seasoned fighters, and few showed a desire to harm anything.
"We were surprised at how little aggression there was," says Reynolds. Many of the dogs had all but shut down. They cowered in the corners of their kennels or stood hunched with their heads lowered, their tails between their legs and their feet shifting nervously. Some didn't want to come out. As far as they knew bad things happened when people came. Bad things happened when they were led out of their cages.
One dog was so scared that even the confines of her kennel offered her no comfort. Shelter workers used a blanket to construct a little tent inside her cage that she could duck under. Remembering that dog, McMillan says, "Jasmine broke my heart."
JONNY JUSTICE likes to lie in a splash of sunlight that stretches across the floor of the living room in the San Francisco split-level of Cris Cohen. Head lolling back, eyes closed, legs sticking up in the air, he lets the rays warm his pink belly. Comfy as this is, Jonny doesn't have long to linger. He's on a tight schedule. He's up every day at 6 a.m., out for a 45-minute walk, making sure to avoid the garbage trucks, which freak him out. After that it's back home for a handful of food, some grooming, a quick scratch-down and then into his dog bed with a few toys and food puzzles. At lunchtime he's back out for a quick trip to the yard, some play time and a little lounging in the sun, followed by a return to the kennel until around 4:30. Then it's another long walk—an hour this time—dinner, a game of fetch in the yard, quiet time and sleep.
After the ASPCA-led evaluations, the dogs were put into one of four categories: euthanize; sanctuary 2 (needs lifetime care given by trained professionals, with little chance for adoption); sanctuary 1 (needs a controlled environment, with a greater possibility of adoption); and foster (must live with experienced dog owners for a minimum of six months, and after further evaluation adoption is likely). Rebecca Huss, a professor at the Valparaiso (Ind.) University School of Law and an animal-law expert, was placed in charge of the dispersal.
Jonny was a foster dog that was taken in by Cohen, a longtime BAD RAP volunteer who owns another pit bull, Lily, and had cared for seven previous fosters. "When he first came, I could see he was dealing with some serious stress," Cohen says of Jonny. "Everything scared him: running water, flushing toilets, rattling pots. He was like Scooby-Doo seeing a ghost—he'd jump straight in the air and take off. We dealt with that by putting him on a solid routine. Everything the same, every day. Dogs thrive on that. If they know what to expect, they can relax."
"You ease their fears by building confidence through simple everyday tasks," says McMillan. "We have to show them that the world is not out to harm them. It's a peaceful, trustworthy place."
After about two months, Jonny began to chill out, and Cohen started working on his manners. "His original name was Jonny Rotten," Cohen says, "because he was such a little monster. He'd never lived in a house before. He didn't know his name. He had no clue what stairs were or how to go up them. He'd tie you up in the leash every time you took him out. He'd just flat out run into stuff." Jonny responded to weekly obedience training and to Cohen's personal training, and in a few months his name was changed from Rotten to Justice.
During a walk in Golden Gate Park one day, Jonny was mobbed by a group of kids. Cohen wasn't sure how Jonny would react to all those little hands thrust at him, but the dog loved it. He played with the children, and Cohen realized Jonny had an affinity for them. He enrolled Jonny in training for the program Paws for Tales, in which kids who get nervous reading aloud in class practice their skills by reading to a canine audience of one. Jonny was certified in November, and now once a month he sits patiently listening to children read.
He's not the only one of Vick's former dogs lending a hand. Leo, who lives with foster mother Marthina McClay in Los Gatos, Calif., is a certified therapy dog who spends two to three hours a week visiting cancer patients and troubled teens. Two other dogs are also therapy dogs, and two more are in training. A total of six have earned Canine Good Citizen certificates, issued by the American Kennel Club to dogs who pass a series of 10 tests, including walking through a crowd and reacting to unexpected sights and sounds. "It's great to show people how much these dogs have to offer," says Cohen.
JASMINE RUNS in the yard of the small suburban Baltimore house, jumping on Sweet Pea, another pit bull, and nipping at the back of her neck. Sweet Pea spins and leaps into Jasmine, and the two tumble together for a minute, then pop up and continue their romp. When they roll around it's difficult to tell one from the other, because they are the exact same color. Sweet Pea is a few years older and a little bigger, and she has markings that Jasmine does not: a series of scars on her snout and head indicative of combat. Still, Sweet Pea loves to be around other dogs. She and Jasmine have a special connection and have brought each other a bit of peace. The people who know them best think that Sweet Pea is probably Jasmine's mother. That's why their families try to arrange play dates for them twice a month.
Jasmine wound up in the hands of Catalina Stirling, a 35-year-old artist who lives with her husband, Davor Mrkoci, 32, an electrical engineer; her children, Nino (4 1/2) and Anais (2 1/2); Rogue, a spunky spaniel-lab mix; Desmond, a three-legged foster basenji-lab mix; and Thaiz, the family cat. The fenced yard is big enough for running, and the living-dining area, which contains almost no furniture, has a smattering of dog beds and water bowls. Catalina and her children have painted angels on one wall.
In her evaluation Jasmine was considered for sanctuary with Best Friends, but when volunteers from the Baltimore rescue group Recycled Love went to see the pit bulls at the Washington (D.C.) Animal Rescue League, a volunteer was so moved by the sight of Jasmine hiding under the blanket that she crawled into the cage and began massaging and whispering to the dog. Jasmine seemed to respond. So Huss sent Jasmine and Sweet Pea to Recycled Love, which subsequently turned Jasmine over to the woman who had crawled into the cage: Catalina Stirling.
Despite a promising start, Jasmine had a long way to go. For months she sat in her little cage in Stirling's house and refused to come out. "I had to pick her up and carry her outside so she could go to the bathroom," Stirling says. "She wouldn't even stand up until I had walked away. There's a little hole in the yard, and once she was done, she would go lie in the hole." It was three or four months before Jasmine would exit the cage on her own, and then only to go out, relieve herself and lie in the hole. Sweet Pea, who's better adjusted but still battles her own demons, was an hour away, and her visits helped draw out Jasmine. After six months Stirling could finally take both dogs for a walk in a big park near her house.
Jasmine has come far, but she still has many fears. Around people she almost always walks with her head and tail down. She won't let anyone approach her from behind, and she spends most of the day in her pen, sitting quietly, the open door yawning before her. Stirling works with her endlessly. "I feel like what I do for her is so little compared with what she does for me," she says, welling up.
In the end, 47 of the 51 Vick dogs were saved. (Two died while in the shelters; one was destroyed because it was too violent; and another was euthanized for medical reasons.) Twenty-two dogs went to Best Friends, where McMillan and his staff chart their emotional state daily; almost all show steady improvement in categories such as calmness, sociability and happiness. McMillan believes 17 of the dogs will eventually be adopted, and applicants are being screened for the first of those. The other 25 have been spread around the country; the biggest group, 10, went to California with BAD RAP. Fourteen of the 25 have been placed in permanent homes, and the rest are in foster care.
Still, it's Jasmine, lying in her kennel, who embodies the question at the heart of the Vick dogs' story. Was it worth the time and effort to save these 47 dogs when millions languish in shelters? Charmers such as Zippy and Leo and Jonny Justice seem to provide the obvious answer, but even for these dogs any incidence of aggression, provoked or not, will play only one way in the headlines. It's a lifelong sentence to a very short leash. PETA's position is unchanged. "Some [of the dogs] will end up with something resembling a normal life," Shannon says, "but the chances are very slim, and it's not a good risk to take."
Then there are dogs like Lucas, who will never leave sanctuary because of his history as a fighter, and Jasmine and Sweet Pea, who will never leave their Recycled Love families. "There was a lot of discussion about whether to save all of the sanctuary cases," says Reynolds, "but in the end [Best Friends] decided that's what they are there for. There are no regrets."
BAD RAP works out of Oakland Animal Services, where above the main entrance is inscribed a Gandhi quote that dog people cite often: THE GREATNESS OF A NATION AND ITS MORAL PROGRESS CAN BE JUDGED BY THE WAY ITS ANIMALS ARE TREATED.
"Vick showed the worst of us, our bloodlust, but this rescue showed the best," Reynolds says. "I don't think any of us thought it was possible to save these dogs—the government, the rescuers, the regular people—but we surprised ourselves."
Jasmine doesn't know about any of that as she sits on the back deck of Stirling's house. Stirling kneels next to her, gently stroking the dog's back. "I used to think any dog could be rehabbed if you gave it food, exercise and love," she says, "but I know now it's not totally true. Jasmine's happy, but she'll never be like other dogs."
It's quiet for a moment, and the breeze blows a shower of brown and red leaves off the trees. Then Jasmine turns, looks up, and licks Catalina's face. It is the sweetest of kisses.
To support animal-care groups cited in this article, go to their respective websites: www.aspca.org, www.badrap.org, www.bestfriends.org. and www.recycledlove.org.

in other pitbull news, i was informed the other day that ryan's and my plans to possibly move back to denver may be met with a bit of difficulty. denver has a completely stupid city-wide ban on the breed. granted, we were thinking of living OUTSIDE of denver proper, but still. it is an upsetting thing to hear about. look: http://www.denverkillsdogs.com. boo.

sparkle & shine

2009-01-03T14:31:00.000-05:00

last year i went to see one of my favorite musicians, steve earle, in concert. i bought tickets for ryan and i as i gift to him (but it was definitely a gift to myself as well).
he played a song from his newest record called "sparkle and shine" and i was just speechless. it was this beautiful tribute to his wife, and more than being just an ordinary love song, to me it was as if he was singing about the way i feel about ryan. the song is almost pure hero-worship, and yet it never borders on creepy or obsessive at all. it is pure and sweet and beautiful and it absolutely gave me the shivers.
after the show, i listened to the song constantly - for weeks on end. the more i listened, the more i loved it. and not just for the reason i did initially, but because i wanted to BE this person he was singing about. not steve earle's wife, exactly, but this incredible person who seemed to inspire such happiness and love and beauty.
in short, it made me want to be a better person. i have always been this harsh contrast of being very loving and positive and sunny and yet somehow also very snide and pessimistic and snarky. and while i don't really want to lose my rougher edges, i do want to nurture the more positive one a bit more.
i want to sparkle and shine.

fast forward a few months, i had put that song on my myspace page. it had been there a while and i had even kind of forgotten about it being there. but i WAS planning a trip to denver to get a new tattoo - a birthday gift from my mother. i wanted to get words across my collarbones/around my neckline - words to inspire me, to remind me i'm beautiful, to remind me that LIFE is beautiful, to not be afraid of being who i want to be - hell, to not be afraid of life itself!
i was down to two choices:
"the stars are a guardrail" (which is from one of my favorite harvey danger songs) and, obviously, "sparkle and shine". i had actually, at some point, decided on the harvey danger lyrics. i was committed. i was convinced.
and then my friend, stephanie - who is someone i look up to for her positive attitude, her beauty, her drive and her ability to love and be loved - stumbled by my old myspace page and paused to listen to my steve earle song. and then she left me this comment: "You are so beautiful, you are the sparkly shiny girl!!!! A sparkly shiny star..."
well, it was decided. stephanie changed my mind, and ultimately, a little part of my life. (and definitely a little part of my body).:

anyhow... over the past few months, i have become addicted to google reader. the more blogs i subscribe to, the more it recommends to me based on the ones i already like. because of this, i have stumbled into a whole series of just BEAUTIFUL and INSPIRING blogs that i look forward to reading every day. (there are links to these over in the sidebar - visit them. you will not be disappointed!)
so, it's a new year and i've got two other new blog projects i'm working on, and i figured, what with all the free time i have, i might as well add a third!
i'm not even 100% sure what this blog will become, what sorts of things i'll post here, or how OFTEN i'll post them. but i do know that it is sort of a reminder to myself, like my tattoo, to sparkle and shine every day. to be beautiful. to love. to smile. to laugh. to appreciate my surroundings and the people in my life. and to share all of that love and positivity with the world.

xxo, phoebe marie

My baby sparkle and shine, sparkle and shine, sparkle and shine
My baby sparkle and shine and everyone knows she’s fine
She blesses all that she sees, a toss of her hair and a kiss in the breeze
But she don’t love no one but me and I can’t believe she’s mine

Shimmering she moves, sunlight all around her
Even when she’s blue, silver clouds surround her

My baby sparkle and shine, sparkle and shine, sparkle and shine
My baby sparkle and shine and I can’t believe she’s mine

My baby swings down the street, big tall high heel shoes on her feet
Walks by and my heart skips a beat and I’m stumblin’ like a fool
She give me somethin’ so sweet, I can’t sleep y’all and I can’t eat
Sparks fly whenever we meet, and I’m breathless ‘cause she’s so cool

Anywhere she goes, I can only follow
She’ll be there I know, when I awake tomorrow

My baby sparkle and shine, sparkle and shine, sparkle and shine
My baby sparkle and shine and everyone knows she’s fine

My baby sparkle and shine, sparkle and shine, sparkle and shine
My baby sparkle and shine and everyone knows she’s fine

And everyone knows she’s mine