i hate that it is just beautiful and sunny and glorious outside... and i feel like utter garbage. i've been sleeping like total crap lately. i think a lot of it has to do with ryan being gone, but i also think it has a lot to do with my feet!
last month, i dropped a bag of heavy garbage from cleaning out the basement on my right foot. it hurt HORRIBLY. i could not even handle touching it, it was so painful. like, if i wore pants that were long enough to brush up against the top of my foot, it hurt. so i took to wearing nothing but china girl flats that i've collected from the shops in chinatowns across the nation. i love the shoes (i have 13 different pairs) but moreso, they were the only shoes i could wear that did not touch my foot at all in the area where it hurt so badly.
so, my foot was really not getting any better. the bruise went away, the cut healed, but it still hurt. which is why, a month later, i was still wearing what are essentially slippers to work last friday. which is when i managed to smash the big toe on my OTHER foot under a piece of equipment at my job. it hurt so bad i wanted to pass out/throw up/cry my eyes out. i thought for certain i was going to lose the nail.
at the urging of my boss, i trooped home with my miserable foot, and kept it on ice and in the air for TWO DAYS! it was making me stir crazy, that's for sure. by sunday it seemed like it was a little better and i ran some errands and wasn't totally dying. so monday i went to work. and i stood on it. ALL DAY. and i wanted to die by the time i got home. so yesterday i went and got BOTH my gimpy feet x-rayed. and lo and behold - there is nothing broken in either one!!
now, this is good news. but it also sucks. i wanted to KNOW what was wrong, and since nothing obvious is wrong, now i'm stumped. the sore foot, the doc said, may have a tiny stress fracture, a sprain, or just some very deep bruising on it. and figured that it should be ok within another month or two.
the toe... based on the current symptoms (i am CONSTANTLY aware of it - it feels all "pins & needles" all the time) he thinks that i probably did some serious nerve damage to it. nothing that we can really do. told me to go to a podiatrist if it's still bothering me in another two weeks.
the thought of this makes me want to cry. the weird pins & needles feeling is so constant. i can sort of ignore it during the day while i'm keeping busy and such, but when i'm trying to sleep, which is already difficult for me, the feeling of just the blanket touching my toe makes it feel like it's absolutely BUZZING. and so i can't sleep.
and the more i don't sleep, the worse i feel. i got carsick this morning just trying to drive downtown. i was going to go to work, but had to turn around and come back home.
so now, i've missed most of friday, all of tuesday, and all of wednesday at work. even if i have to FORCE myself to go in tomorrow, i will have a paycheck with about 20 hours on it. i have a little bit of vacation time left that i could take, but even if i use it ALL, it wouldn't get me to 40 hours.
all of this combines to make me totally stressed out. which makes me feel sicker. and there are some other stupid things that are just completely beyond my control adding unnecessary stress to my life right now as well.
i don't know what to do. i need to learn to calm down. i'm going to start going to my friend's yoga class - i want to go tonight, but i feel too sick to do ANYTHING right now.
i just want ryan to be home. i'm just never quite right without him. it sounds ridiculous, but he makes this shit all ok. even when he's yelling at me about taking care of myself or whatever. things are just better when he's here.
he will be home for a week in 4 days, and i can't wait for that. but then there's another big long month - one without as many opportunities for visiting - without him. but then hopefully, that's it for a while. hopefully.
in the meantime, if i could just not hurt myself again for awhile. if i could stay healthy. if i could get some goddamned rest. if, if, if...
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